Movie #2: Legion

I know Legion didn’t really look that good, but it had Paul Bettany as Michael the (de-winged) archangel coming to earth to kick butt and protect a pregnant waitress from Nowheresville, USA. Her baby was going to save humankind from extinction at the hands of angels carrying out the wrath of God. Somewhere in that grandiose medieval plot, there had to be something good (or at least cheesy fun). Well, this was a total waste of a movie. The cast wasn’t even half bad: Lucas Black (remember when he was good in Slingblade, not when he was cheesy in Tokyo Drift), Charles S. Dutton, Dennis Quaid, Tyrese Gibson, Kate Walsh, and Adrianne Palicki (I don’t know her either, but she’s been on Friday Night Lights), who plays the Desert Madonna herself, deserve better than this less-than-B-movie schlock. Most of it is your basic zombie flick where mindless angel-possessed humans converge on this tiny little diner and the lucid humans try to defend themselves with shotguns and boarded-up windows. There’s even some horrible living Chucky-esque zombie kid with a knife, and the less said about how poor Charles Dutton is killed the better — eww! This movie is made even more pointless by the fact that nothing is ever explained. Why is this child so special? Why are archangels wearing actual armour and attacking with iron maces? What is Michael’s role? What happened to the rest of humankind? Ignoring all these questions makes it glaringly obvious that all of this angel stuff is just a gimmick to try to sell an otherwise run-of-the-mill horror flick. (2.5 out of 5)

2 down, 48 to go!

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