OK. Larval aliens bursting out of the chest? Check. Heat vision and night vision scenes of innocent victims? Check. Drippy saliva on long, long teeth? Check. Pointless teen melodrama and token cute kid to make viewers care about characters who probably won’t all survive the film? Check and check. Aliens vs Predator: Requiem is absolutely nothing new (and “fool you once” if you have any expectations otherwise). Basically, a ship containing some aliens (and in case you didn’t realize, we’re talking specifically of the ones from the Aliens series with Sigourney Weaver) crashes on Earth (in Colorado, apparently), unleashing those terrible beasties on an unsuspecting small town. It seems that this ship was a Predator vessel (in case you didn’t know, they were creatures from another movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger) and when they learn of the accident, one of them comes to Colorado to clean up the mess. Caught in the middle are the poor little humans. This time, no one (from age zero to 75) is spared in the carnage.
Frankly, I didn’t see the movie Predator, but I have seen all the Alien movies and also watched the first Aliens vs Predator movie, so I have some context to say that they clearly aren’t spending much time developing the story anymore. The Alien films each presented a different angle on fighting these voracious aliens. Despite the basic monster-movie premise, there was more going on than just “How are the poor humans going to survive?”. When the two franchises merged, they seemed not to care much beyond that question, and this time around, even that question doesn’t seem very relevant (the ending is a bit of a cop-out, I must say). Basically, what we’re left with is a series of scenes where different characters are attacked in different quick-yet-horrible ways by these things (the Aliens). In this one the Predator hunter isn’t even that big of a role. Every once in a while he’ll take out a few aliens, but that’s it.
For those of us who might rant about how thin the story is, or how pointless a movie this is, I have to agree. However, it’s all creepy, violent, mindless fun and that’s all I wanted it to be. If your time or money are precious, then you might want to save them for something else. Otherwise, you know what you’re going to see, so just enjoy it. (3 out of 5)
What if I made Alien vs Predator: Requiem?
I think I couldn’t face myself if I didn’t try a little harder to live up to that pretentious title. There was a slight hint at the end of the movie that there was a larger story arc. I would have liked to explore the larger mythology of the Aliens and the Predators. How did they find each other? How did this ship that crashed come to be so close to Earth? As for the humans-in-peril, they didn’t really need to set up stories for all the victims. It would have been better not to bother with the irrelevant melodramas and focus on stories that are relevant to the fight against the aliens. What is going on with the military? What do they know about the aliens? etc. Enough with the flirty blonde girl choosing scrawny geek over meathead jock.